Think she’s cheating? Think again.

Sometimes the classical signs of cheating really mean something else. Here are common signs of infidelity that don’t always mean your partner is being unfaithful.

thinking woman

She becomes more private

Newfound privacy that wasn’t there before is her way of saying, “I need space.” Even if she’s an open book, it doesn’t mean she wants to be open all the time. Sometimes she needs to retreat into her lady cave, too. There are a million reasons why she could be creating distance. Being honest with each other is the only way to determine what those reasons are.

How to open a discussion: “I feel like you’ve been more private with your [phone, computer, work, friends…] lately, and it makes me think you’re hiding something. Should I be worried?”

You start by mentioning something you feel. Remember that women operate from an emotional level, so by meeting her there, you automatically make it easier for her to understand where you’re coming from. You’re speaking her language. Whether or not she has been more private, she cannot reject how you feel. You feel how you feel. Period.

This is followed by an explanation. “It makes me think you’re hiding something.” There is no accusation here, but an admission of how your mind works. Finally, you ask an open-ended question that leaves room for her to mould the truth in the best way she sees fit. The softer you are with her in regards to particular issues, the more likely she will respond openly and honestly.

She leaves the room when taking calls

Typically when we want to talk to friends in private, it means we’re discussing something you may not understand. After all, if you tell us we’re being unreasonable, hearing it from you won’t make us more reasonable. Instead, we spare you having to hear any of it at all, especially if you’re the kind of guy who responds with annoyance or disapproval. Speaking privately could be her way of avoiding judgement on your part.

This is also one of the ways she increases privacy, especially when you don’t know who’s calling. Again, doesn’t mean it’s a lover. She’s creating distance, you have to ask yourself why.

How to open a discussion: “I would love for you to share with me what you privately talk to your friends about. I want to be as much a part of your life as they are.”

This is perhaps the smartest way you can approach this situation. You are being a good boyfriend! You aren’t acting impulsively or revealing any insecurities (which could push her away). Instead, you’re showering her with kindness. When this happens, her response will either be of guilt (she’s doesn’t like that you feel shut out) or satisfaction (she wanted this response from you). Either way, she has responded emotionally to you, which automatically closes any distance she has created. Now all that’s left is to talk about it. Women love to talk about it, especially when it comes to feelings.

Self-maintenance goes through the roof

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes when a woman feels shitty, she will compensate by looking extra fabulous. This means dressing like a fox, because she knows she will turn heads. If there hasn’t been much closeness or affection in your relationship, this could be one of the ways she’s trying to get your attention or remind you what you’re missing.

How to open a discussion: There’s no need for discussion here. All you need to do is mention how great she looks or how attractive she is. Not only will it positively reinforce her efforts, but you will make her feel good because her favourite man just reaffirmed his attraction. If there’s any man we want a compliment from, it’s the man we’ve chosen to love.

More nights with the ladies

On a superficial level, she could be bored or in need of a break from routine. On a deeper level, she needs to be reminded of who she is. That’s why making social events more of a priority could be her way of clearing her head, feeling good about herself and tasting a bit of freedom. If nights out are unusual behaviour, you have to ask yourself what has driven her to do something she doesn’t typically do. Are there tensions or issues in the relationship that haven’t been addressed? Is there anything she might want to ‘escape’ from? Have you been giving each other a hard time?

How to open a discussion: “I think it’s great that you’ve been spending time with the girls, but I’ve been feeling a bit left out. Is there anything I can do to spend more time with you?”

Notice that you start on a positive note. This sets the tone for the conversation. Then, instead of directing blame or accusation, which will naturally evoke a defensive response, you reveal a vulnerability and appeal to her better nature. “I’ve been feeling left out.” Lastly, by asking for a suggestion or advice, you give her the lead so she can guide the discussion at a pace she’s comfortable with. The best part is, the discussion will centre around exactly what you’re concerned about: she’s spending more time with friends, and less time with you. Asking directly may not be a wise choice. She may not have a concrete answer for you. When you offer a theme for discussion, it offers an opportunity for a level of honesty she’s comfortable with. Unlike men who prefer being direct and forward, sometimes women need to be warmed up. Foreplay baby, it applies to everything.

She’s flirting with other men

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: if we didn’t want you in the picture, you wouldn’t be in the picture. Flirting with others, especially in front of you, is quite a low blow, but we aren’t here to judge whether or not it’s justifiable.

When a woman flirts with other men in front of you, it’s her way of expressing that she responds to that kind of attention. It’s also a good indicator that she wants you to be aware she has options. If she has been like this from the beginning of your relationship, then you’ve made a poor partnering choice. If this is new behaviour, it’s a big warning sign that something is missing in the relationship, and if she doesn’t get it from you, she will get it from someone else.

How to open a discussion: “I feel like you’ve been flirting with other men. It really bothers me. Do you feel I don’t flirt enough with you? Or do you genuinely want to find someone else?”

Take note of the language: I feel, do you feel. You start by addressing the theme (“you’ve been flirting”) followed by an immediate confession: “it bothers me”. You haven’t jumped the gun, made any judgements or acted impulsively. Number one, that’s a sign of maturity and number two, you’re revealing that her goal (to have it bother you) has worked. This will give her a sense of satisfaction, which eliminates any potential for arguments. It’s likely you’ll avoid the blame game, because technically, she’s won. Jump to step 3: you cleverly veil an ultimatum. ‘You want more attention or someone else?’ After all, that is what you’re trying to figure out, right?

This gives her an opportunity to reveal the truth, because instead of forcing her to make a choice between ‘me or them’, you’re leaving room for her to fill the gap. You might be surprised to learn what she has to say.

She has lost interest in sex

Women want sex with their man to be emotionally and passionately charged. Not only that, they want it to be satisfying. When there’s a significant lack in this department, don’t be surprised if she’s not jumping all over you. And no, this doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your equipment; it’s not the tools, it’s the handyman.

Don’t assume she’s getting satisfied elsewhere, though. Cheating is a last resort. Losing interest in sex is often the very first symptom, and it’s likely a result of not getting what she needs from it.

How to open a discussion: “It feels like you’ve lost interest in sex lately. What would make it more exciting for you? This is important to me.”

Have you noticed a formula here? You reveal a feeling that directly addresses something that bothers you, then you offer a question that gives her an opportunity to reveal solutions or answers. On a final note, by emphasizing how important an issue is, you are telling her that you won’t just let this go, and you’re serious about making it work.

 

 

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